Every December, I assemble small bags of stuff I love, in various combinations, for my friends and family. Unlike much of Oprah’s list, my favorite things aren’t expensive, just stuff I bought that immediately found their way into common rotation. Too often when trying to figure out what to give someone, we think about what they want, instead of what we want! I buy things I like and give them other people, because I’m conceited enough to think that what I like is great – who wouldn’t want a piece o’ me??
If I don’t provide a link, please google and choose a vendor other than Amazon. It’s all online, but a lot of the pantry goods are available at independent, locally owned shops, if not your supermarket, and I do encourage you to support those folks! They need us.
ON UGLINESS
I give this book only to people I adore and trust in equal measure: I adore them because they love creepy shit like I do, and I trust them to believe I am not a serial killer. This anthology of the grotesque and repulsive in art and literature makes a great toilet book, because you can do your business, read a poem called “Disgusting Tit,” and look at some disturbing images of deities devouring their own children, or big satyrific dongs, mons pubises (actual plural: montes pubis), or Renaissance art depicting bestiality, and feel like you got your dose of gross and get on with your day.
BOOKBINDERS DESIGN JOURNALS
Last year I splurged and got my closest friends monogrammed journals from Bookbinder Designs (they were on sale). They come in glorious cloth-bound colors, their pages are the smoothest, creamiest peanut-butteriest paper (ruled or unruled), and everyone should have a notebook to keep tabs on our friends and enemies alike. I don’t have a nemesis, but this notebook makes me feel like I deserve one.
RANCHO GORDO LENTILS
Rancho Gordo beans are a far cry from the Camellia beans or canned Trappey’s I grew up eating in Louisiana. The founder of the company, Steve Sando, travels to family farms in Mexico to find heirloom (non-GMO) beans. I’ve tried them all, and I’ve yet to try a bad one. My heart is with their lentils, both the French green and the black caviar lentils, because they hold their shape. Cook up a batch on Sunday and keep them in the fridge to add to salads, soups, curries, and casseroles throughout the week. This lentil salad is my fave.
CANDLES
I go through like candles like crazy and I ain’t paying $85+ dollars for one. I love the ones from Rose + Co. Rose is a 13-year-old black girl from New Jersey who started making soy wax candles with her dad because he’s allergic to paraffin. They have snazzy names like 100% That Girl, Herstory, and one named Save the Turtles, with some of the proceeds going to turtle preservation. My fave is a ginger lime-scented one called On Point. They’re $24 each, which makes them fancy enough for a gift.
DURALEX GLASSWARE
These are the best glasses. They’re standard French café glasses for water or wine, and I even drink espresso out of them (instant, I’m no coffee snob). They come in all sizes in clear tempered glass, but I like this colored set because why wouldn’t you add more colorful stuff to your life if you can? Give a set to your friend who never has enough glasses.
SEASONINGS GREETINGS!
A couple years ago, I cut dairy out of my diet to bring my cholesterol down. Look, I know what you’re thinking: CHEESE!!!! Yeah, I know. I was addicted to cheese since childhood. Every birthday, my aunts and uncles gave me cheese: bricks of cheddar, slabs of Swiss, rounds of gouda from my rich aunt, and yep, Kraft singles. I didn’t think I could ever give up cheese. But it ended up being kinda like quitting smoking: agony for two weeks, and now, almost two years later, I usually only miss it when I go to parties. Since we aren’t going to any parties lately (ARE WE? No? Good!), it’s even less difficult to forego.
I ain’t proselytizing. If you don’t have to give up cheese, DON’T! Eat some for me, for fuck’s sake. But without its rich creamery goodness, I need lots of shit to zhuzh up my food. Now more than ever, as the monotony of quarantine eating makes me feel like a cow chewing its flavorless cud, staring into the middle distance. All food is starting to taste the same. Here are some ways to fight back.
Calabrian Chili
I grew up in Louisiana and took annual school field trips to the Tabasco factory at Avery Island. I was a cognitive behavioral tomboy (feel the fear and do it anyway) and I decided it was super-important to be able to chug hot sauce to prove how tough I was. My dad would brag to his friends about my tolerance for spice. Now I think Tabasco is weak shite. I’m not into hot sauces with pictures of flaming assholes on their labels. Calabrian chili is the real deal. If you grew up Italian-American, you probably call this hoagie spread. I put it on sandwiches, beans, pasta, everything. It’s made my transition to near-vegan… exciting?
Momofuku Salts
This trio of seasoning salts from Momofuku’s Peachy Keen contains stuff like yeast, kelp, and mushroom to punch up the umami in all your dishes. I use the Savory in stews and roasted vegetables, the Spicy in cucumber salad and noodles, and the Tingly on everything (the numbing buzz of Sichuan peppercorns reminds me I am alive).
Trader Joe’s Seasonings
As a cheaper alternative to the Momofuku salts, these from Trader Joe’s are excellent. Buy a set for your friends and family who don’t have a local TJ’s. (Not pictured: their mushroom powder, which I already used up.) Anyone trying to eat more healthy will appreciate the zing. The Everything Bagel Salt alone is worth your entire spice cabinet.
MDH Spice Mixes
I make a lot of curries, especially during the winter, and these mixes took away a lot of my insecurity about which spices to use. I owe this tip entirely to my friend Madhrushee Ghosh, an immigrant Bengali-American writer, activist, and scientist (how’s that for a hyphenate?) who has very patiently put up with my dumb questions about Indian cooking. She’s a fantastic home cook and you can follow her on twitter and Instagram (@writemadhushree) for delicious food ideas.
Hot Sauces
Here are some of my faves that you might not have yet. Nando’s rocks on chicken and tater tots. I put peppery/citrusy Yuzu-It in chicken soup along with lemon and cilantro, on ramen, rice, and fish (great in ceviche). Pepper Plant Chunky Garlic is good on everything, and it’s a local company for me, from Gilroy, CA, “The Garlic Capital.” Slather and douse liberally. It doesn’t matter if you have bad breath, we’re all at home or wearing masks.
VINTAGE CHARMS
My mom started a charm bracelet each for me and my sisters when we were little. Nothing fancy, just sterling silver. She would buy us charms to commemorate family trips, hobbies, or personality traits. She got me a tennis racquet charm which was completely aspirational, since I only pretended to play, and oddly, a cat charm, which was kinda cruel because I’m severely allergic to cats. Her thinking on this is unclear, but she could be mockingly mean. I’m on my sixth bracelet, and I’ve started one for my daughter. You can get cheap vintage charms on eBay and Etsy – just search whatever wild motif you’re looking for. You can also make a pendant, if you’re not into jangling of the sort that ruined Auntie Mame’s stage debut (as I most definitely am). Like a cat with a bell on its collar, I often need to warn people of my approach.
SNASH RINGS
I love Snash rings, love that it’s a woman-owned company, and love when I found out the founder Shanna Nash is an old college pal of one of my BFFs, the writer Julieanne Smolinski. She has lots of fun and inexpensive pre-made rings, and I’ve had a couple custom made (like the tribute to Rep. Maxine Waters on my middle finger). There’s something tough about them that appeals to me. They remind me of one of my idols, Edward Gorey and his chunky goth rings.
Edward Gorey is a stone-cold style icon. I don’t wear fur, but I appreciate his aesthetic, the idea of a uniform: gondolier shirts, Levis, and white Keds, with a floor-length sheared beaver coat (make mine faux).
BELT BUCKLES
Another holdover from my tomboy years (which arguably never ended, though I suck at sports). I was the kid who went fishing and watched wrestling with my dad, so I was the one who got the promotional belt buckles he received via his work in the construction business: Cat Power, John Deere, RedMan chewing tobacco (that one has been retired, trust). What can I say, there’s very little more empowering than a giant piece of metal above your puss. The minute I put on a belt in the morning, I jut my hips forward into a slouch and tuck my fingers in my belt loops like, Strut. Search according to theme on eBay and Etsy. I’ve scored some beauts, lemme tell ya. They make good joke gifts, but they have a practical purpose (swagger). I found a Barq’s Rootbeer buckle for a fellow Louisiana-L.A. transplant, and a vintage “Women’s Libber” buckle that I gave to my pal Lizz Winstead (her excellent new special is here). You can find inexpensive leather belts in ever color of the rainbow on eBay, too. Collect ‘em all!
ART
Art is the Best Present. Shop museum gift shops and galleries for prints (like this one by Artemisia Gentilischi), or search Instagram or Etsy by subject to support independent and outsider artists. Sometimes I want a painting of a monkey riding a bicycle while smoking a cigarette, or a woman sharpening knives, and someone, somewhere, has definitely created that. I recommend @jpbrammer’s mythic animal prints, and Grayson Izekiel’s (@softxprince) work exploring gender identity. Hands down, the best feedback I’ve gotten about gifts is when I’ve given someone art.
Stay safe, be well, and happy holidays!